Goodness

I wanted to go to the gym. That was the plan I made on Sunday. My muscles are already tight and I can feel the stress in the shoulders (that’s what my ex-trainer used to say). Yep. I have it all planed out. I’d gym on Monday, Wednesday and Friday every week. I had slacked enough. Summer is over – it’s back to crunch time. YES! YES!?? 

NO!- Not at all. Instead, I am in and out of the subway and taking lazy steps home bound. I drag my feet trying to make sense of what happened at work. I try to rationalize my action….I am able to. I try to rationalize his actions…I think I am able to. I try to understand the outcome but I can’t. I think, “Fired”. I worry but I know I worry too much. I know that I am exaggerating; I know I’m not going to get fired. I want to be spontaneous and leave and deal with the consequences much later but I know I’m not the only one in this boat and my actions might cause it to capsize. Suddenly I am reasonable.  I think months from now into May. May is going to be a good month. I smile. May is still quite far, the shadow of indifference creeps in. What to do? What to say? I want hug my mother. Genuinely. I walk in. She isn’t home. This sucks. Who to call? Who to call? I pick my cell phone…dial some numbers…talk to some people…topic has nothing to do with my state of mind. I’m neither here nor there.  . Check my email. My brother sent something – it is one of his mass emails. I want to delete but I don’t. I open it and it’s a youtubed* ministry. I open, I listen, and I feel much better. Goodness comes in different forms. I wake up this morning and I am renewed.

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